時々、「自分の好きなことしかやってこなかったんじゃないかな」と反省してみることがある。・・・・・・いや、正確には「自分のやりたいことしかやってこなかった」ということだ。
というのは、自分は何が好きで何が嫌いなのかよくわからないことも多いからだ。特にもっと若い頃はそうだった。自分の得意・不得意(苦手)はすぐわかるのだが、苦手だから嫌いかというとそうとは言い切れず、また苦手なことでもここを越えればその先に新たな展開があるのではないかと期待していたフシがある。そして実際、その「新たな展開」が開けていたこともあった。その反対にどうしてもだめなものはあって、車の運転は結局嫌いだし、スキューバダイビングもあの海の中で感じる恐怖を克服することができなかった。(まあ、スキューバの場合、季節柄天候が悪い時ににしか潜ったことがないのでそのせいかもしれないが。あとほとんど泳げない、ということもある。)
そして年齢を重ねパワーが落ちてきて、自分がその時にできることがだんだん限られてくるようになる。そうしているうちに(幸か不幸かということになるが)今はほぼ自分が得意なもの=好き、苦手なもの=嫌いという感じになった。これはこれですっきりしていて生きやすい。
若い頃は自分の嫌いなものだけでなく自分の好きなものもよくわからなかった。中学か高校の時から「あんた、映画好きだよねー」と友人に言われることはあったが、自分ではぴんとこなくて、ようやく「自分は映画好きなんだ」と思い始めたのは25歳くらいの時だ。
それに対して絵を描くことは小さい頃から「好き」だったような気がする。ただ中学、高校の時は周りに自分よりずっと絵の上手な子がたくさんいて、若かったせいなのか何なのか私は「自分が絵を描くのが好き」というだけでは物足りず、そのまま絵を描くことを好きでいることができなかった。私は絵を描くのをやめ、自分が絵を描くのが好きだったということも忘れた。
その後、また再び絵を描くようになるのだが、そのきっかけは協力隊に参加したことである。隊員は各国に派遣される前に3ヶ月間訓練所で朝から晩まで訓練を受けるのだが、主な内容は現地公用語の習得であると言っていいだろう。訓練中この語学の試験が1、2度あり、それで習得の度合を計るのだが、合格点を取らないと派遣を取り消されることもあるという話だったので、ほとんどの人は真剣に勉強していた。授業が終わった後や授業がない時なんかもそれぞれの語学の教室で勉強している人が多かった。
バングラデシュの公用語はベンガル語で、私は他の5人と共にベンガル語を習っていた。ベンガル語の教室にも行けば必ず誰かがいたし、みんな仲が良かったので大抵の場合3、4人はいたのだが、何故か私はその雰囲気に馴染めず、隣のウルドゥ語教室に入り浸っていた。そっちにもちゃんと席があって勉強しようと思えばできたのだが、する気にならなかったので絵を描き始めたのである。
勉強しない気でいれば意外に時間が取れるので絵ばっかり描いていたし、いろいろ奇妙な物も作った。ある時、陶芸隊員が休日に開いた陶芸教室でも変な器をいっぱい作って講師に苦笑いされたことがある。それやこれやを周りの人に見せていると中には、「あなたは美術の方面に進むべきだ」という人もいた。バングラデシュでも他の隊員から「(向いてるのは)SEとか会社員とかじゃないんじゃないの?」(職種としては「システムエンジニア」として派遣されていたので。現在では「コンピュータ関連」として募集されていると思う)と言われたことがあった。自分ではそれほど才能がないのはわかっているし、それでもある程度技術を習得すれば職業として何か出来るのかもしれないが、才能がない上でそれだけの技術を習得する根性は私にはない。(才能については私の夫も同意見で、そういう事柄に関する彼の判断力は信頼できると私は思っている。)
何より、何か一つぐらい自分の好きなものを好きなまま、そっと取っておいてもいいのじゃないかと思うのである。
まあこれは結論として言えることであって、当時の私は「その道に進めば?」と言われる度に、嬉しいと思いつつもその後で自分が世間に認められるだけの技能がないのを思い出し、絵を描くのがまた却って嫌になりそうになっていた。
ところで、バングラデシュで活動していた当時、同じ職場にアメリカ平和部隊(ピースコー)の隊員が英語教師として赴任していた。アメリカでの職業を聞くと「アーティストだ」と答えた。
ある時、近所にあるフィンランドのNGOで働いていたフィンランド人夫妻に招かれて、彼と別の協力隊員と共に夫妻の家を訪れた。ちょうどフィンランドから奥さんの妹が来ていた時で、彼女がそのピースコー隊員に彼の職業を尋ねたことから、「アーティスで食べていくのは非常に難しい」という話になった。その妹さんも昔、作詞家になりたいと思っていた時期があり、共感を覚えたらしい。
その時私は小さなスケッチブックを持っていた。前々から夫妻の2歳になる息子の特徴的な額が気になってしょうがなかったのでこの機会に描いてやろうと思ったのだ。食事の後、その男の子の後を追い掛け回して彼の絵を描いていたら、その姿を見たピースコー隊員が
「君はずっと絵を描き続けるといいよ」
と言った。多分彼は、私の絵が上手いと思ったわけではなく、ただ「ああ、この人は絵を描くのが好きなんだな」と心の底から思ったのだと思う。それを聞いて私は何かが腑に落ちたような気がした。何か「人生を変えた瞬間」のようなものが私にあるとしたら、あれはその一つだと思っている。(まあ、見かけ上は変わったようには見えないが。)
その後、9・11テロが起こりアメリカのアフガン侵攻を控えてバングラデシュ国内で反米デモが活発になる中、彼を含めピースコー隊員全員が撤退した。彼と接した期間はほんの数ヶ月だったし、今後会う機会もないと思う。私にとっては貴重な一言をくれた人なのでまた会いたいとは思うが、人との出会いなんてそんなものかもしれないとも思う。
I sometimes look back into my life and think "I have done only what I liked". More exactly speaking, I have done only what I wanted to do.
These are different to me, and they were more different to me when I was much younger, because I often don't know what I like and what I hate though I always know what I'm good at and what I'm not good at. what I wasn't good at has not been always what I hated, though. Besides, I basically had an expectation that something might change or I might be able to see somtghing new if I conquered what I wasn't good at. And sometimes, there were some change actually. Of cource, however, some things never changed. For example, I'm still bad at driving a car and hate it. And I couldn't conquer a fear that I feel in the sea when I scuba dive. (But it may be because of bad weather. I scuba dived in a wrong season every time. And I can hardly swim.)
Now I feel I'm loosing my strength as I get older. Losing strength restricts what I can do at the time, but I don't feel miserable because in a sence, it solves my mix-up. It let what I'm good at be what I like, and what I'm not good at be what I hate, which seems too simple to me but anyway, makes my life easier, I think.
When I was young, I often didn't know what I liked, either. When I was a junior high school or hight school student, some friends told me "You really love the movies", but I thought I was not a movie fan in those days. And it was when I was about 25 years old that I began to think I was.
But I think I liked drawing and painting a picture since I was a little child. Unfortunately, for 6 years in junior highschool and high school, I found many friends who were much better at them than me, and couldn't keep myself to like drawing or painting. It was because I was young and thought it was more important that how other people felt about my drawings and paintings. I quit drawing and painting and forgot I liked them.
Years later, however, I began them again when I was going to Bangladesh as a JOCV member. Each JOCV member has to go through a 3 month all-day training at a training center before they are sent to the countries they are assigned to. The members mainly learn the official language of the country. During the training, they take an exam once or twice (I don't remember how many times). They are supposed to pass the final exam because they can't be sent unless they pass it. So most of them study the language hard. Even when they have no class, many of them go to their classroom to study it.
The official language of Bangladesh is Bengali. I was learning it with 5 other members. There would be always someone in the classroom. They seemed to like sticking together and I always found 3 or 4 of them in the class room, but I felt I didn't fit myself among them, so every time I tried to go to my own classroom when we had no class, before I arrived at there, I dropped into the next classroom where 3 members who were assigned to Pakistan were studying Urdu, and never got out. I even had a seat in the Urdu classroom. So I could have studied Bengali, but I didn't feel like doing it. Instead of it, I started to draw a picture.
So I could have much time for drawing. I drew many pictures and sometimes made something strange. When I joined a holiday pottery class which one member who was assigned to a JOCV service to teach pottery in some country gave us voluntarily, I made many containers which even I couldn't tell what were, which made the teacher smile bewilderedly. I often showed such things to people around me. One day, one of them told me "You should do something to become an artist". After I went to Bangladesh, another JOCV member also told me "I think there must be a better job for you than computer engineer or office worker". (I assigned to a JOCV service to teach something about computer skills in Bangladesh, and before I joined JOCV, I had worked for the MIS department of a company.) I have never thought I am talented enough to be an artist or something professional. Even if skills which I can study and learn somewhere make either of them possible, I don't have enough enthusiasm to keep doing that without such talent. (My husband has almost the same opinion about my talent and I trust it as the judgement of a third person.)
But the most important point is that I want to leave what I like, at least, one of them and keep it as it is for my life.
Before I got to this point, every time someone said me, like, "You'd better to be a professional", it made me glad, but at the same time, reminded me of my lack of artistic talent and skills, and I almost forgot I liked what I was doing.
When I was giving the JOCV service in Bangladesh, a Peace Corps member joined the same office. He gave a service there as an English teacher, but he was an artist in the U.S.A..
One day, Finish husband and wife who were working for an institute of Finish NGO near from our office invited us including another JOCV member to their house. When we were having lunch, the Finish wife's sister who came to visit her sister asked the Peace Corps member "What do you do in The U.S.A.?". She was interested in his answer and felt sympathy for what he said about the difficulty of being an artist because she, once which was not far past, wanted to be a songwriter. They agreed on how hard it is to earn one's living as an artist.
I had brought a small sketch book with me to draw a picture of the host and hostess's 2 year old boy who had a characteristic forehead. After the lunch, while I was drawing the boy with chasing him, some thought seemed to hit the Peace Corps member whou were looking at us two. And "It will be good for you to keep drawing or painting", said he. I don't think he said that in any professional meanings. I don't think he thought I was talented. He meant it would be simply good for my mental health to keep doing it as a hobby or something. And it made me fully understand what a thing that I was doing at the time would mean to me. I think it was one of the moments when something changed in my life though my life never look to have changed dramatically.
A while after, the 9.11. happened. After preparation for U.S. invasion of Afghanistan started, there were many anti-American actions on the street in Bangladesh. So the Peace Corps office withdrew all the members from Bangladesh. And the member who gave me that word went back to his country. So he stayed with us for only a few months.
I wish I'd have any chance to see him again, but I also think an important moment of one's life may often come just like that. The fact that a person who just passes by in an instant can give someone else such a moment is the miracle of human relations.